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Friday, April 7
I wanted to cool down! but I can't... its really far too much for me to take. Frens ard me know how much I care for this r/s... how much I like him and how impt he is to me.. BUT FUCK care all these lor. ONE THING FOR SURE!!!!TO MAINTAIN A R/S DOESNT RELIES PURELY ON FEELINGS ONLY! LOTS OF OTHERS MATTERS TOO.
Yea, if we r still in sec sch time, maybe I will still happily walking hand in hand ard with him, cos to those kids, U LIKE ME, I LIKE U CAN LIAO MAH.. right
sadly, im can't live in my dreams anymore.. I SLAP MYSELF AWAke n tried hard to accept e fact that we r just not suitable for each other. YA, I FUCKING LOVE HIM SO MUCH, BUT SO WHATTT..
thinking back, we really wasted too much time.. all these shldnt have started at all. Maybe we will be frens only now. Esp me, i wasted lotsa freedom.. cos i wanna be a gd gf of his. I DUN CLUB, DUN CONTACT ANY GUY FRENS.. N SELDOM GO OUT. YEAH, IS THIS WHAT I GET? MAYBE I TRIED TOO HARD.. IKNOW, COS I'LL NV BE E TYPE OF GIRL TT HE WANTS.. I CAN NEVER BE, NO MATTER HOW HARD.. HOW LONG..
I guess i was rather stupid to try so hard.. all these doesnt matters anymore. IM really stupid, to tried to change for him.. but y cant he accept me for who I AM.. I Guess not.. I spend so much fucking days trying to master sme stupig cantonese song just becos I know he likes tt song n I hope to acc him sing it someday.. I controlled my urge to club... I tried to give in whenever we r getting into an argument.. I DID WATEVER TT WAS immpossible for me to do so becos of a guy in e past.. ALL FOR HIM..
Dun think tt im trying to make ppl pity me, but I just cant bear to see that e guy tt i wanted so much n fucking like so much.. n so hard to get just go like tt... Y dun u all try to stand in my shoes n understand me abit.. I admit, I mentioned abt benjamin out of a state of "trying to act strong'.. but duh, its not.. Benjamin was long ago outta my head..I just mentioned infront of him.. cos i wan to act strong.. i wanted to support e decision tt he say.. so I just went "yaya, I also realised tt u nt my type.. blah blah blah.." n now i fucking regret... cos when he mentioned tt, in my heart, there's still a glimmer of hope. I nv plan to give up unless its really beyond hope..
n now all i know is to cry cry cry n cry.. wtf lah koni! I guess i just need time to accept reality.
Yours Turly, Niko 3:08 AM ♥
